Have you ever had someone tell you something that shifted your entire sense of reality in an instant? I mean the kind of statement that makes your body go numb as everything you’re looking at morphs into a Monet painting? A declaration that, in a few words, turns everything you took for granted as Truth to dust?
It happened to me three years ago. At nineteen, the person who I knew with 100% certainty was my son, told me that she was actually my daughter. I fell into a pit of despair and terror. I wanted to be supportive, but my fears ruled my mind and my life. When I reflect on how I handled the situation early on, there are some aspects I’m proud of and others that I would give anything to do over. You can read about that journey in my article, What to Do When Your Kid Comes Out as Transgender.
If you were a fellow Seinfeld fan in the 90s, you might remember the “Worlds’ Colliding” episode. George was furious that his girlfriend made plans with Elaine, a longtime pal who could spill dirty secrets about him. He ranted to Jerry, “It’s common sense… everybody knows you gotta keep the worlds apart!”
In the beginning, I never intended for my work world and my daughter Jackie’s transition to collide. Even as I began to embrace her new name, new pronouns, and changing appearance, I deftly avoided conversations about my family with colleagues. Jackie gave me permission to tell anyone I wanted to tell, but I was riddled with anxiety about how they might judge us. And I had two work worlds… teaching at a university and being a communication trainer and coach for a wide variety of companies. It was quite the dance to keep the worlds from colliding.
It became more and more challenging as casual conversations with professional acquaintances who knew about my family before my daughter’s transition required me to use the wrong gender pronouns and her detested “dead-name.” I could no longer betray my child, even when she was hundreds of miles away.
At some point, I broke down. I couldn’t do it anymore. It was too dishonest. And there was actually a moment at a work event when I switched gender pronouns mid-sentence when referring to Jackie. It’s a blur now, but I remember the person looking at me as if I were crazy as I broke into a sweat and stumbled to make an excuse.
I eased into sharing our family’s story with teaching colleagues and students in my classes. To my surprise, the response I received was entirely positive. I was showered with nothing but love, concern, kindness, and a genuine desire to learn about Jackie’s experience and my experience as a mother.
But the monster of fear I felt about divulging this information in the corporate world would not be slayed so quickly or easily. That world remained separate for long after my personal and academic worlds collided.
One problem was this… I have very dear friends who are part of my work in the business world. It pained me to lie to people who knew of my family before and regularly asked me about how my family was doing – wanting real reports on everyone.
Then another problem arose… as a writer and educator, my need to share all that I was learning grew with a ferocity that I could no longer contain. I was also becoming a more active volunteer in our support group and starting to counsel parents with transgender kids (not as a professional, just as a mom with experience).
So, I summoned the courage to start telling people I worked with in the business world. Again, I received nothing but compassion, goodwill, curiosity, and even praise for my strength and my daughter’s courage.
I know that many people may not be informed about what it means to be transgender. I also realize that there are likely people in our circles who don’t agree with our choices. But I am heartened by the fact that not one of them had anything intentionally negative to say to us about it. People are finally beginning to open their hearts and minds to the realities of gender identity diversity and Jackie and I are ready to be catalysts for change.
Having come full circle now, I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to speak on a parent panel at a major gender diversity conference. It was also a cathartic experience for me to give a talk at a large women’s summit for a fortune 500 company on the power of communication, providing examples of the words I would give anything to take back when Jackie came out.
And finally, I am happy to say that I am writing up a storm and will continue to do so. I’m also organizing transgender education events, such as our free workshop on September 29.
I would love to have you read my two most recent articles, What NOT to Say to Parents of Trans Kids and How I Gave the Wrong TEDx Talk After Learning My Kid is Trans and let me know what you think.
This was never about how I felt about Jackie. I am awe-inspired by my brilliant, brave daughter who spoke her own truth with unwavering conviction. She would not let others tell her who she is. She allowed all her worlds, inner and outer, friends and family, professors and bosses to collide and crash and burn so that she could be her true self. And I have never, ever been more proud of anything that anyone in my life has done.
And now, I’d like to introduce you to my amazing daughter Jackie. You can see her five minutes in this beautiful documentary State of Pride, made by Oscar-winning filmmakers Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman and hosted by LGBTQ advocate, Raymond Braun. Jackie also wrote her own blog post for us this month, which you can read if you click the link below. And I one day hope to be as prolific as my daughter… she has written so many brilliant articles here on her Medium page. She also has her own publication there, with more compelling articles – it’s called Notes From the Freak Show. Jackie’s passion for changing the world takes my breath away.
Thank you for reading and I hope to see you at our upcoming Zoom workshop, Transgender Inclusion & Advocacy,
Mama Bear Bridget
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