I’m so glad my lifelong best friend failed 7th grade math. She was a year ahead of me in school, so we met and bonded in that class – her second time around and my first. I followed suit and failed 7th grade math that year… probably because the two of us talked all through class and ignored poor Mr. Zeller. I’m thankful for that too, because in hindsight, building my friendship with her that year was far more important than passing the class. I’m so grateful for the gifts of failure.
I had the most tumultuous, volatile, on-again, off-again romance that lasted 3 years through high school and well into the beginning of college. I’ll spare you the soap-opera worthy details, but you can’t imagine how many hours I spent sobbing, burdening friends with our endless drama, and worrying my parents to death. I learned key lessons about healthy and dysfunctional love relationships from that experience, which is likely part of the secret to the success of my 27-year marriage.
In my business, many of my marketing attempts fail. Most thriving small business owners will tell you the same thing. I am constantly pitching our training and coaching services to clients. I spend many hours on consultation calls, creating proposals, working on marketing strategies. The majority of them fail. I feel a hit of disappointment every time, but I move through it quickly, pick myself up, and focus on the next opportunity. And the pitches and proposals that do come through have kept my business alive and growing for well over 20 years now!
As a university lecturer for over two decades, my heart raced as I read through every stack of student evaluations and forced myself to occasionally peek at my reviews on RateMyProfessors.com. Most feedback was very positive, affirming, and motivated me to keep trying my best. But ouch, the mean comments could be so personal and vicious. In the early years, it was hard not to think I was a complete failure and to want to give up on teaching. Over time, my failure resilience grew, and I learned how to differentiate between helpful feedback on areas I could improve upon, and just pointless cruelty, which I’m no longer willing to be a victim of.
Every time we send a Sampson Coaching & Consulting newsletter out, a few people unsubscribe. A few people also email me to let me know how valuable the content was for them. And, almost always, a couple of people reach out to inquire about our services… which often leads to exciting new work for the company. I could focus on those people who unsubscribed. I could make that failure mean that we should stop wasting time on the newsletter. But I don’t. Rejection, criticism, complaints… they are gifts to us. They help us build resilience, perseverance, and the resolve to keep going and keep growing.
A few months ago, I started watching Tik Tok videos for pandemic work-from-home entertainment breaks. They made me laugh and cry and feel connected to people who share stories of triumph over tragedy or bring the lightness of humor to a dark time. And here’s what I thought would always remain my embarrassing little secret: whenever dance videos came up, I would jump up and do my best to learn the dance.
I am not a great dancer. But I know a few dances and I love learning new ones. Dancing makes me feel so alive and happy. No one in my family dances, so, here in lockdown, I started dancing by myself regularly. Then I thought about how maybe other people might enjoy dancing alone as much as I do. I wondered if maybe posting videos of myself dancing (at a level I’d call bad to mediocre) could inspire people to dance at home alone to “spark joy” or at least to laugh and be entertained by my silly attempts. I started recording.
There is a failure of some sort in every single one of my dance videos – losing my footing, being off by a beat, etc. But I’ve posted several now and may do more. People have reported that my dance videos make them laugh, remind them to dance too, and encourage them to post their own videos… dancing, singing, telling their stories, showing their creative work… and more… despite the fear of failure that we all share.
One of my greatest teachers, Brooke Castillo, Founder of The Life Coach School, taught me that we can be unstoppable and go after any dream until we achieve it, if we just commit to one thing. She says we have to be willing to “feel any feeling” and keep going. Most people give up when the intensity of feelings of failure, insecurity, rejection, shame, disappointment, or uncertainty seem unbearable. Brooke decided she’s willing to feel any feeling and keep going, without numbing it or avoiding it or quitting on herself. For her, this has resulted in millions of dollars and changing millions of lives for the better. What might it result in for you and me?
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